What Language Do You Speak?

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman discusses how each of us are geared towards having a primary love language. The actions that you associate with love and caring from a mate indicate what Chapman calls your "primary love language." You might value gifts as a show of affection, or maybe some act of service proves your mate's undying love in your eyes. Unfortunately, your mate might be seeing things from a totally different perspective.  I once knew a couple who were both bright, charming, attractive people. They had a fine home, good family relationships and two beautiful children.  They seemed to be that couple that "had it all," yet there was constant tension between them and, since I was friends with each of them, I would hear how the other "didn't make an effort anymore" to show love and affection.  What was actually going on was that they just didn't understand what constituted "love" in each other's eyes.  The husband was a very out-going, touchy-feely kind of person who had established himself as a world-class, competitive body-builder before opening a chain of health clubs. The wife was a pragmatic physician's assistant raised in Germany who had little time or humor for anything beyond completing whatever task was set in front of her. When he finally said to her in exasperation, "I don't feel like I even matter to you anymore."  She stared at him, open mouthed and finally replied incredulously, "how can you say that? Didn't I make you dinner every night this week? And iron all of your dress shirts?"

Performing those tasks, for her, was a demonstration of devotion and reverence. For someone who was always very physical and who had spent his entire life focused on his body, her husband couldn't quite get his head around that concept.

Our up-bringing, life experiences and past relationships are all things that can shape our perception of what constitutes "love."  So maybe when you feel neglected, unimportant or unloved, it could just be that your partner doesn't speak the same "language."  In other words, what equals love in your heart and mind might not add up the same in their eyes.  Give your lover the benefit of the doubt, remember what made you fall in love to start with and try opening up about your own feelings. Tell them the things or acts that are important to you and, if you can, explain why. You may not solve all your communication problems in a day but you will be taking a big gutsy step in the right direction and anyone can understand the value of that.

And when all else fails, remember to hug your lover with all your heart and linger in each others arms remembering the way your spirits soured once at just the thought of a stolen moments together.  It might even inspire you to revisit those exciting, early days.  ;-)