Taking It Back

Have you ever heard the expression, “you can’t un-ring a bell?” It means that once words have been spoken, they can’t be called back anymore than a bell’s ringing can be blotted out from the ears of those who hear it. We think of words as weak or harmless weapons thrown about in a heated argument and we tend to discount the damage they do. Words can, however, do a great deal of damage, especially to your intimate relationships. The words you say to your lover, like the tolling of a bell, can’t be un-heard and even if you later apologize or “take back” a hurtful comment, those words will forever hang in the air, and in the mind of person who heard them.

When you’re in an intimate relationship with someone, they’re usually closer to you -- and you to them -- than anyone else in your world. You’ve probably each revealed your deepest fears, closest-held secrets and most crushing pains of the past. You’re often so close that when the inevitable argument erupts you know all of his weaknesses, all of his most vulnerable points so it can be tempting to lash out with verbal darts so exquisitely aimed that all of his defenses and bravado will be instantly shattered. You feel a momentary rush of giddy power because she’ll have to back down and admit then that you were “right." Resist that temptation. Instead, choose your words thoughtfully and carefully. Keep in mind that your relationship isn’t a game and this argument isn’t a battle. It’s just an everyday conflict. It will pass and, hopefully, you’ll come to a thoughtful resolution you can both live with.

We’re only human. At our deepest core each of us is basically the same. We all come to a relationship trying to meet the same basic, emotional needs.

• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be heard and respected.
• The need to have our feelings acknowledged.
• The need to be free from judgments and accusations.
• The need to feel safe, emotionally and physically.
• The need to feel accepted unconditionally and to feel loved.

Relationship problems usually arise when we feel that our partner isn’t meeting those basic needs. That can cause us to feel abandoned, disappointed or hurt. Instead of

Shattering the armor that your lover has crafted over the years against the outside world will only cause them to build even greater, stronger barriers. Not against the outside world, but against you.

The Chemicals Between Us

That magic spark that makes us fall for someone is all about our chemistry. Literally chemistry because, as scientists have learned, it's a serious of chemical reactions that cause us to feel that "head-over-heels" elation of new love, fill us with the urgent desire in those early, heated sexual encounters and that ultimately forge a bond of stronger, deeper love and intimacy that can last a lifetime.  Acknowledging this doesn't diminish our love, but it can enhance it and help us re-spark those wild romantic ways.

When we first meet someone that we find attractive, we're not conscience of it but we're picking up on the pheromones the other person is releasing. Pheromones are chemicals found in bodily secretions and they are the reason why we love to wear our lover's things that hold the "smell" of them. In addition, our early days of lust are fueled by estrogen and testosterone, our sex hormones. Both sexes actually produce both of these hormones, just at different levels, even though we generally think of estrogen as the "female" hormone and testosterone as the "male" hormone. Testosterone is the gasoline in our sex drive. Low levels of testosterone in men or women can cause us to lose interest in sex. Estrogen is more complicated, while it does increase libido and enhance our mood, it's important to fertility for both sexes because it acts to prevent cell-death - specifically in a man's sperm - so lower than normal levels of estrogen in men can cause infertility.

A cocktail of neurotransmitters make early new love so infatuating. One that we maybe don't expect is adrenaline. We associate adrenaline with our stress-response, that "fight-or-flight" reaction we often have to fear but it's also what causes the rapid heart beat or heated flush we feel when we catch of glimpse of our lover across the room or hear their voice on the phone.  Dopamine is our "pleasure" or "reward" chemical. Dopamine production soars in the early phase of love giving us an intense rush of euphoria and increased energy. This "love-struck" state mirrors the effects that cocaine causes in our brains! Serotonin, which factors heavily into our moods, appetite and sleep, will be unusually low during a new romance. This drop in serotonin is very similar to the brain chemistry of people with Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder (OCD) and it's what causes us to focus so intently on our lover's good traits and block out the negative ones. It's these amazing, dramatic shifts in our brain chemistry that have led people to describe this phase of love as "madness."

Whether we see it as a good or bad thing, this intense chemistry doesn't last forever. Scientist estimate these changes last approximately three to five years. But that doesn't mean that our relationships are doomed when we come up out of the ether and start seeing our lover as they truly are. There are even more powerful chemicals at work when we stay in a long-term relationship.  Oxytocin, sometimes called the "cuddle" chemical, is a brain peptide that flows over our brains and our reproductive tracts. This is the chemical responsible for "bonding" mothers to their newborns and for the "spooning" couples frequently do following sex. This chemical heightens our sensitivity to touch, encourages grooming, and forms deep feelings of attachment in both men and women. Following orgasm, oxytocin floods into the system causing the "afterglow" of sex and prompting the warm, playful moments of post-coital bliss that can really cement a relationship. What's more, the effects of oxytocin are cumlulative. The more often we're exposed to oxytocin, the deeper our feelings of attachment become for the person we're with and that's why couples that have sex more often tend to have longer, happier relationships. We can recapture those "love stoned" days anytime with the touch of a hand,  the stroke of the skin and by embracing our sexuality and intimacy with our "perfect" lover.

Channeling Marilyn

I have long characterized myself as having "a Marilyn Monroe body in a Kate Moss world" referring to the figure of the emaciated, super-thin waif of the super-model that women are told is the "ideal" figure. I personally reject that "ideal" and I have a lot of support for my view. Numerous studies have shown that regardless of media influence, the long held stereotype of the "hourglass" figure is what men consistently rate as most attractive. This is good news for women because the curvy, low waist-to-hip ratio (WHR) figure tends to reflect the actual body-shape of the average woman so stop worrying about looking like the gaunt, straight-sided models we see on magazine covers and billboards.

From a purely  evolutionary standpoint, the dimensions of an hourglass figure signaled if a woman was likely to be futile and would be a suitable potential mate because a lower WHR signaled a greater ability to bear more and fitter children. Even a recent study argued that mothers with lower WHRs tend to produce smarter kids, because of certain fatty acids in a woman’s hip padding, delivered in the womb and through breast-feeding, that are beneficial to the development of a baby’s brain.

None of these genetics of the hourglass figure matter, however, until you relax about not being a super-model and learn to channel Marilyn the way you should. OWN your curves and you'll own your sexuality. The most important feature of your body that makes you sexy is your mind, after all. When you feel sexy, you'll be sexy. You'll amaze your partner with a sex drive that he didn't know you had because you'll feel sexy for you and that's the most important aspect of sexiness.

There's an awesome campaign this year on BlogHer.com called Own Your Beauty and it teaches all women to focus on our insides to find what it really means to be beautiful. It's a great undertaking and will help you to discover and appreciate yourself in many new ways. Learning to love yourself and to view yourself positively will have a huge impact on your self-esteem and body image will translate into great things for your intimate relationship with your partner.

Follow this link to find sexy tips from Kim Kardashian to accentuate your curves and this link to discover exercises that you can do in just a few minutes every day to keep your curves in shape.

Accentuate the Positive

It’s been said that what the mind focuses on expands. So, if you are totally fixated on the fact that your wife “needs to lose 40 or 50 pounds” or that your husband “doesn't ever help with the kids” and you keep your mind focused on that, it will only do negative things to your relationship.

Instead of focusing on weight that's still hanging on from the last baby or chores around the house that aren't getting done, try switching your mindset to concentrate on how sexy one feature of her is or how much it meant when he did something you really hate. What makes you feel desired, protected, heard or respected? And how does your partner do that for you? By shifting your attention to the positives that your partner has to offer, it's easier to overlook their shortcomings. Try to always be looking for what turns you on about your woman or your man and that will more spark into your lovemaking and all other aspects of your relationship!