Taking It Back

Have you ever heard the expression, “you can’t un-ring a bell?” It means that once words have been spoken, they can’t be called back anymore than a bell’s ringing can be blotted out from the ears of those who hear it. We think of words as weak or harmless weapons thrown about in a heated argument and we tend to discount the damage they do. Words can, however, do a great deal of damage, especially to your intimate relationships. The words you say to your lover, like the tolling of a bell, can’t be un-heard and even if you later apologize or “take back” a hurtful comment, those words will forever hang in the air, and in the mind of person who heard them.

When you’re in an intimate relationship with someone, they’re usually closer to you -- and you to them -- than anyone else in your world. You’ve probably each revealed your deepest fears, closest-held secrets and most crushing pains of the past. You’re often so close that when the inevitable argument erupts you know all of his weaknesses, all of his most vulnerable points so it can be tempting to lash out with verbal darts so exquisitely aimed that all of his defenses and bravado will be instantly shattered. You feel a momentary rush of giddy power because she’ll have to back down and admit then that you were “right." Resist that temptation. Instead, choose your words thoughtfully and carefully. Keep in mind that your relationship isn’t a game and this argument isn’t a battle. It’s just an everyday conflict. It will pass and, hopefully, you’ll come to a thoughtful resolution you can both live with.

We’re only human. At our deepest core each of us is basically the same. We all come to a relationship trying to meet the same basic, emotional needs.

• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be heard and respected.
• The need to have our feelings acknowledged.
• The need to be free from judgments and accusations.
• The need to feel safe, emotionally and physically.
• The need to feel accepted unconditionally and to feel loved.

Relationship problems usually arise when we feel that our partner isn’t meeting those basic needs. That can cause us to feel abandoned, disappointed or hurt. Instead of

Shattering the armor that your lover has crafted over the years against the outside world will only cause them to build even greater, stronger barriers. Not against the outside world, but against you.